I want to stick my p in your. b.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
