girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
