Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think I just sharted jello shots
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