I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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