Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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