I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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