I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
