if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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