Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
