I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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