I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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