my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
