two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
