That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
