I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
