this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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