His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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