i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
