kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
