Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
