Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
