everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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