I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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