Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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