I hate all girls vehemently.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
now i know why i became what i already was.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
