I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
