well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
