Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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