she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
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I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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