He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
