Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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