I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
