chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
