Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
