I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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