How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
