Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
