dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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