i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
