I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it glows. i had to have it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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