What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
