Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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