How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
