i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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