just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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