apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
