i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
