you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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