After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
