I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
