tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
