don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
