our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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